TEST – Surviving The Master Cleanse
It’s been a year (maybe a bit more), and I’m finally writing that review on The Master Cleanse aka. The Lemonade Diet. In the honor of that, I wanted to give you the full recap. My original post was uploaded a while back (and in Danish).
I have tested a lot of weird diets in my life, but I had never been able to complete The Master Cleanse (lasted 1 day last time I tried). When I heard that Beyonce had done it, I knew this was my only chance, to actually have someting in common with her (well maybe we both like puppies too, but that’s it). The Master Cleanse then became the challenge I couldn’t decline!
I know my body really well and understand it’s signals. I’m not afraid or too proud to throw in the towel if I feel that something isn’t right or out of control. Please consult a doctor if you think about doing any extreme diets or detoxes. This is not an invitation for you too join, simply my stupid story of how it went down.
Let me introduce you to The Master Cleanse.
THE MASTER CLEANSE
“Invented” in the 1940s by Stanley Burroughs. There’s a lot of variants of this cleanse out there, I followed the one from his original book from 1976. In short, “The Master Cleanse” is a fast diet that gives your digestive system a break. The book states that you can follow this “diet” for 10 to 40 days (even longer in extreme cases), depending on what your purpose is. The list of benefits is pretty long*:
- Dissolve and eliminate toxins and congestion that have formed in any part of the body
- Cleanse kidney and the digestive system
- Purify glands and cells throughout the entire body
- Eliminate all unusable waste and hardened material in the joints and muscles
- Build a healthy blood stream
- Keep youth and elasticity regardless of our years
(Don’t think I even understand all of them, but it sounds good!)
When to use it (according to Burroghs):
- When sickness has developed – for all acute and chronic conditions
When the digestive system needs a rest and a cleansing
When overweight has become a problem
When better assimilation and building of body tissue is needed
* Taken word by word from his book
The reason I wanted to try it (beyond the need to have something in common with Beyonce), was first and foremost curiosity! I’ve been reading just as many great reviews as bad ones on the internet! There was really only one thing to do, to get the truth, try it on myself!
When you hardly understand all the benefits to the diet, it become really hard to meassure against them That’s why I found these more understandable benefits in this article on Bembu (thanks). I was really hoping for all of these to come true.
- Stops the Influx of Unhealthy Food
- Improved Digestion
- More Energy
- Mental Clarity
- Improved Immune System
- Helps Start Healthier Habits
The rules are simple! You can’t “eat” anything but the lemonade (6 to 12 portions per day) and laxative teas at night. In the mornings you may drink the tea again or do a “salt-flush” (epsom salt and water, yuck!). Besides that, all you are aloud to consume is water and mint tea. The mint tea might help if you experience really bad breath or bad body odour due to the detoxification of your body.
TIP: Get a really honest friend to tell you the truth! I didn’t experience it, but just to make sure!
RECIPE (1 portion):
- 1 cup of water
- 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (I used half a lemon)
- 2 tablespoons maple sirup
- 1/10 teaspoon cayenne pepper
To stay motivated, I went on ASOS and bought a “Be Yoncé” crop top. I was ONLY aloud to wear it, if I completed the 10 day diet. I hung it a visible place, and together with my BE YONCÉ playlist, NOTHING could stop me!
BEFORE YOU GET STARTED
A great idea would be to ease out of bad habits such as, coffee, sugar and so on. That would (in theory) make the transition in to The Master Cleanse easier. But who has time for that? Not me, my cleanse started cold turkey, slightly hungover after a birthday party with lots of cake and drinks.
Other great tips:
Make sure your schedule isn’t too busy, you don’t know how your body will react
Put your social life on hold, most meet-up’s with friends involves eating and drinking in some way, why make it worse?
Consider starting o a new tv-series, I can recommend the following; Suits, Younger; House of Lies & Daddy, you’re welcome;)
Get your hands on a count-down app!
DAY 1: DON’T WORRY BE YONCÉ
I woke up tired af, not at all ready to stop eating! At least my fridge was empty, so I might as well get started. Drank a lot of water, and then I tried my first portion of the Lemonade. It was actually not that bad, I kind of liked it. Went shopping after a quick workout. I had to shop for as many days as possible, not liking the idea of going lemonade-shopping in a grocery store full of REAL food, ones my head got around what was happening!
I drank the lemonade throughout the day on my couch. A lazy Sunday, only a small headache, pretty sure it was due to the drinks last night and lack of coffee!
DAY 2: WORK IT OUT
Tried the “salt-flush” this morning, not the best replacement of my morning coffee (read: not doing that again!). Then I was off to help a friend of mine move, without any pizza for my effort. Could my Monday morning get any worse? Food on my mind, work to do after the move and the weather was cloudy and dull, just like my mood. I really missed my coffee (more than food at this point) and I was pretty sure that my caffein addiction was the cause of my constant headache. Don’t know how I did it, but after work I dragged my tired, sorry ass to the gym. I did a slow workout (pretty sure Beyonce worked out EVERY DAY on the cleanse!), and actually got home feeling a lot better! Drank mint tea and slept like a baby. No hunger, the lemonade fills you up, but I was craving food, real food! Went to bed at 9.45, really tired and dreaming of pizza.
DAY 3: COUNTDOWN
Woke up feeling well rested and went straight to yoga at 6.45. I drank my first glas of lemonade after yoga and right before I had to teach my Cardio Core class. I was feeling really energized and ended up joining my own class, which went really well. After that was when I fucked up! I wasn’t feeling any hunger until 12, but I just drank some more lemonade, it still tasted great (but it wasn’t food). I had agreed to meet with a friend at my favourite café to work, and we sat RIGHT next to the kitchen. Smelling all that food leaving the kitchen and only drinking mint tea was torture! I survived but made a mental note NOT to do that again. I had to teach two classes that afternoon and I participated in one again, ended up beating my own record in uphill sprints on the treadmill! Had a hard time falling asleep that night, felt a bit hungry and tried the laxative tea. This was when reality hit me, I had a whole week left!
DAY 4: FLAWLESS
In my research I had read, that day 3 would be the hardest, but I managed that really well. Day 4 though! My entire body was really tired after yesterdays excess training AND I’d slept really bad. Still a whole week to go and all I wanted in the entire world was melted cheese. I didn’t want the lemonade at all, it didn’t taste bad, but I only drank it when I started feeling really hungry. The laxative tea hadn’t helped much, and I was still only peeing. I’ve read these horror stories of what was to come out off my bowels during this cleanse! But I did do a liver detox 6 weeks before this, and I’m pretty sure it had taken out EVERYTHING. I met up with a friend for a tea/coffee for him after my workout (he wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t worked out before meeting him). I was very irritated, but think I still had my sense of humour! Hungry and in bed by 11.30.
Bonus info: Started following 4 new food-instagrams!
DAY 5: WHO RUN THE WORLD
It all started out really well on day 5. I was up early and started working, then I had to teach a few classes but the lemonade removed the hunger. I’ve started playing a bit around with the recipe, making it more or less sweet. I think my body has started going in to some sort of slow motion because of the lack of energy. If feel really “chillaxed”, and my movements have slowed down.
After the classes I spend most of my afternoon on the couch, I tried writing, but my sentences wouldn’t really flow. Did a workout with a friend, and then we attended a 5/10k run. We had agreed to do the 10k, but fortunately we decided on 5 right before start. After 3k I was DONE, I managed to get through but it was really really tough! I did it in 25 minutes, but my body felt like I’d done it in 20!
After that we went to a restaurant, the girls (Frede and her cousin) had real, delicious looking and smelling, foods. And I? I had my min tea! The workouts still helped on my mood, my body was back to normal thanks to the laxative tea (love writing about this part!), and I went to bed tired.
DAY 6: RING THE ALARM
I’d slept really well, but my entire body was feeling the lack of calories/energy! I felt like I was sleep walking when teaching my morning class. I did yoga afterwards, but only continued my sleep walking state of mind all the way back to my couch. It took me forever to write a blog post, and I’m still not happy about it.
I had a reunion with my primary school that night, the only social engangement I couldn’t plan myself out of within the 10 days. I drank my lemonade while they had a barbecue (NO FUN)! I wasn’t really hungry but I really craved the food coming off that grill! Hangry was the word that described me the best at 10, and that’s when I left! At least I wouldn’t wake up with hungover!
DAY 7: ME MYSELF AND I
Woke up fresh as a bird at 6, tried the salt-flush again and it went ok. I’d been drinking the tea and had a stomach cramp that I wanted to get rid of. This was day seven, and with that came the depression. I wasn’t hungry, but all of my problems in life suddenly seemed enormous and scary. Who am I? What am I doing with my life? What’s even the meaning of this life? You know these days??? They are the worst! And I tried to rationalise with my brain, like I would do when my hungover brain tries to play these tricks. But a hungry brain isn’t as easily convinced! That’s for sure! Normally I would stay on my couch and eat chocolate, but what was I supposed to do now?? I wanted to give up SOOO badly, but What Would Beyonce Do? Give up? Hell no!
Instead I dragged myself to the gym, did the worlds shortest stretching, and went straight to the sauna and steam room. I did a great body scrub (recipe) and went back home on my couch and watched a chick flick.
On a positive note, I had some great friends to call! I was told twice that my eyes looked dead, and my entire body was dead beat. Went to bed early and hoped for a better day 8.
DAY 8: BLUE
The days started well. I woke up at 6, drank my mint tea (I had given up on all the flushes and laxatives!) and started working on my inbox and a lot of practical stuff. I remember thinking, maybe now is the time where all the positive benefits and the extra energy will kick in! Man was I wrong. I did my workout, a bit lighter due to the state of my body, but my mood increased.
Then I was ready for the opening of Handshake Studio!
Met up with a friend and walked there, it was all down hill from there! Even though the event and the people were great, I just started getting more and more irritated. After 2 hours I couldn’t keep my facade, and I had to go. Suddenly even walking was really tough! I think I would have quit at this point if I hadn’t been this close to the finish line. I was cranky as hell (to be fair, so as Beyonce according to herself) and my period was overdue. I was really depressive the rest of the afternoon, not getting the things done I wanted and I was really really tired. I don’t hope girls do this to lose weight, because I can promise you that there’s easier ways to do that! I wanted food so badly, I went shopping online for food to be delivered on my day 11 hahaha…
DAY 9: PRETTY HURTS!
PUT ME OUT OF THIS MISSERY! The goal is soooo close and still waaaay too far away. Every hour passes in slowmotion! Did my workout, looked at even more food on instagram and took naps on the couch. I did not experience any increased levels of energy, and my eyes where dead and now with added dark circles under them. I’m moving even slower, and my brain is NOT digging this Master Cleanse. Worst day so far!
DAY 10: YONCÈ
Only 24 hours left! But that’s still an entire day (and night) without food! This day was almost worse than day 9, only upside is that little light at the end of a very narrow tunnel! Nothing left in my bowels, that for sure! I’m like a little kid before Christmas, this day just needed to be over with so that I could enjoy my presents (FOOOOOOOD)! Even though I should ease out of the clease by only drinking juice and eating vegetable soups on day 11 and 12, I still can’t wait.
I’ve been at the grocery store the past 2 days buying more lemons and maple sirup AND chocolate. Just buying it has helped me! It’s currently locked away, but just knowing it’s in my house, helps on mu food anxiety! Did a workout and went straight to bed!
FINALLY, I DID IT!
I completed The Master Cleanse, and I’m alive (sort of).
On the past 10 days I’ve consumed:
– The juice from 32 lemons
– 3 glasses of maple sirup
– 6-7 teaspoons of cayenne pepper
I never felt like I was dying from hunger, but I did feel like killing someone instead. I’m now going to ease out of this cleanse over the next days and reflect a bit. I don’t want to chock my system with real foods right away. I can’t wait to start chewing! And getting something salty! I will give you an honest review, but right now I’m going to enjoy my green smoothie while wearing my BE YONCE crop top, I earned it!
Shout out to all my friends and family who had to listen to me the last few days! Full review will be up tomorrow #GirlJustWannaBeYoncé